A bloke is browsing in a pet shop and sees a parrot sitting on a little perch. It doesn't have any feet or legs. 

The guy says aloud "Bloody hell!. I wonder what happened to this parrot?

The parrot says, "I was born this way. I'm a defective parrot".

"Holy smoke", the bloke replies. "You actually understood and answered me!"

"I got every word", says the parrot. "I happen to be a highly intelligent, thoroughly educated bird."

"Oh yeah?", the bloke asks, "Then answer this - how do you hang onto your perch without any feet?"

"Well", the parrot says, "this is very embarrassing but since you asked, I wrap my willy around this wooden bar like a little hook. You can't see it because of my feathers."

"Wow" says the guy, "you really can understand and speak English, can't you!"

"Actually, I speak both Spanish and English and I can converse with reasonable competence on almost any topic: politics, religion, sports, physics, philosophy. I'm especially good at ornithology. You really ought to buy me. I'd be a great companion."

The bloke looks at the £200 price tag. "Sorry, but I just can't afford that."

"Pssssssst" says the parrot, "I'm defective, so the truth is, nobody wants me cause I don't have any feet. You can probably get me for £20, just make the guy an offer!"

The bloke offers £20 and walks out with the parrot.

Weeks go by.The parrot is sensational. He has a great sense of  humour, he's interesting, he's a great pal, he understands everything, he sympathises, and he's insightful. The bloke is delighted.

One day the guy comes home from work and the parrot goes "Psssssssssssst" and motions him over with one wing. "I don't know if I should tell you this or not, but it's about your wife and the postman."

"What are you talking about?" asks the bloke.

"When the postman delivered today, your wife greeted him at the door in a sheer black nighty and kissed him passionately."

"WHAT???" the bloke asks incredulously. "THEN what happened?"

"Well, then the postman came into the house and lifted up her nighty and began petting her all over" reported the parrot.

"My God!" the bloke exclaims. "Then what?"

"Then he lifted up the nighty, got down on his knees and began to lick her all over, starting with her breasts and slowly going down....

"WELL???" demands the frantic bloke, "THEN WHAT HAPPENED?"

 "F*ck knows" say's the parrot, I got a hard-on and fell off my perch."